Never too late to break the cycle of violence

Judy had an extremely hard upbringing where violence was used as a form of discipline and teaching.

“We never experienced or saw my father hit my mother; he would never do that but in terms of disciplining us- it was always with violence. 

“Physical smacks or hitting, but not just the physical- it was the mental and emotional damage,” Judy recalls. 

“My Father loved us dearly, however, the violence that he inflicted on us was the only way he knew and was taught from his family and our culture how to discipline and teach his children.”

The mother of three, soon to be four, says growing up, the violence was normalised and when she and Moughan started dating in high school it became toxic and unhealthy really fast. 

“The abuse that we caused each other with things like using suicide to get our own way, controlling where the other would go and what they could do. 

“We formed a relationship in the only way that we knew and that really took a toll on us when we got into our adult years.” 

It wasn’t until they undertook a Safe and Healthy Relationship programme that they gained insights into the problems they were facing, “it gave us an insight into what we had done, not so much wrongly but how we created harm through our relationship without knowing.

“Through the programme we were able to heal and to talk about things.”

The programme teased out from those things they already had within but did not know how to express. 

“Through the programme we were able to heal and to learn to talk about dealing with our emotions and feelings and what trust looks like. Those are the types of things that we kind of take for granted in healthy relationships.” 

Judy attributes everything to the change her father Tevita Faka’osi made when he left his job in the horticulture industry to focus on nurturing families over 10 years ago. 

“As soon as my dad started the Dove programme the violence kind of started to simmer down a little bit so it was like a family thing where Tevita was the head in making that change. We saw that example and it kind of trickled down to everyone else in our family and now we’ve all been through the programme.”

At the time Judy and Moughan decided to join a cohort of young Pasifika couples and do the programme under Tevita’s guidance, their marriage was in its infancy, but their relationship was already years of toxicity.

“Me and my husband being young and things like that we only just formed a relationship in the way that we knew and that really took a toll on us when we got into our adult years because the controlling got out of control and got to the point where we were just withdrawing and isolating ourselves from our group of friends. 

“From my point of view and the things that he was doing to me it just made me feel like I didn’t have the freedom to go where I wanted to go, be with my friends and things like that. 

“We had just gotten married and were expecting a baby,” Judy recalls, “We didn’t actually realise how toxic and unhealthy our relationship was until we did the programme.” 

It was a turning point in their marriage, not only did it help them unlock tools and skills to create a safe and healthy relationship, but it addressed it all through a cultural lens. 

“That’s how we became facilitators, the programme really changed our lives, changed our relationship, changed our marriage, and our family.

“Through the programme we are taught the difference between discipline and punishment and the detrimental effects violence has on people and families.”

Judy and Moughan now co-facilitate the 12-week Safe and Healthy Relationships programme delivered by Kainga Pasifika Services which sees young Pasifika couples on a journey of sharing, connecting, and relating to one another. 

“A lot of our work is about connecting our people to their culture and Tevita created a model that we strongly work by ‘addressing our culture, our spirituality, and our relationship’ and when those three things work in harmony together then we can grow that core of love which is about The Power of Love not the Love of Power.”

“But it starts from within, if you know you need help don’t be afraid to ask and the change starts with you making that first move. That’s what I wanted to share and if I had known these skills and tools in my youth, I would have been able to stop myself from being in other unhealthy relationships.” 

However, if there’s one thing Judy wants to make clear it’s that no matter where you are in life, or how long you've lived with, or in, violence it’s never too late to make a change. 

“With my own story my father was in his 50s and he was able to change and break that cycle of violence and because of his change it had a ripple effect on his whole family. 

“If it weren’t for him making that change I wouldn't be here today talking with you as a facilitator, Kainga Pasifika Services wouldn’t be standing and we wouldn’t have been able to help countless couples learn that when things get challenging and disagreements happen it’s about knowing how to deescalate and move away and to calm down before coming back to sort it out.”

Judy says the programme comes from a place of lived experience and the programme working for both her immediate family and the family she and Moughan have made. 

“We’re not about ticking the boxes or getting our people through quickly and teaching them and training them and things like that, it's about making real change through sharing our narrative, our story as well as the skills and tools to help continue to build a healthy relationship in our families.

“We’ve been able to break the cycle within our own families. It stops at my generation. And that’s why we’re encouraging our families to stop that generational cycle.”

For more information on Kainga Pasefika Services

Visit their website and Facebook pages 

Pasefika Proud - Theory of Change

For many Pacific peoples, family is the site where identity, belonging and sacred relationships are nurtured and protected. Violations of sacred relationships create sites of terror, dysfunction, and loss of belonging and identity. 

 “Violence within the family assaults the sanctity of family and the safety and wellbeing of our most vulnerable family members – children, women, youth and elders.”  

The Pasefika Proud Theory of Change is strengths based, focusing on community-led solutions that harness the transformative power of Pacific cultural values and frameworks to encourage violence-free, respectful relationships that support Pacific peoples to thrive. 

In summary, our theory posits that family violence contradicts family wellbeing practices and disconnects Pacific peoples from the values that provide anchors to their identities; and that reconnecting families to these anchors will help to restore peace, harmony, and wellbeing to impacted family systems.  

Pasefika Proud works in partnership with communities to support ethnic-specific leadership and action that provides pathways to achieve our vision:  

Pacific families and communities are safe, resilient and enjoy wellbeing.